Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT.  SUBURBAN STREET WHICH IS PERFECTLY NORMAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH

To ensure no one sees him doing any magic, RICHARD HARRIS causes a bunch
of LIGHT BLOBS to fly around the street.  He prepares to delivery a
SURPRISE BABY, so he rings the doorbell and explains the unfortunate
situa-

                             RICHARD HARRIS
               By the Beard of Gandalf, no I do not!  I
               just had to endure three hours comforting
               a sobbing emo, I am NOT missing
               Honeydukes’
               Voldemort-is-Dead-Also-Halloween-Was-Yeste
               rday sale on fudge bites.  Drop the baby
               on the doorstep and we’re good to go.  

                              MAGGIE SMITH
               Are you sure about that, Professor Harris?
                I’ve been watching these people all
               day, and have deduced them seriously
               abusive twats.

                             RICHARD HARRIS
               No, Harry must live with family.  For you
               see, his mother’s sacrifice keeps him
               safe from Lord Voldemort, and if Harry
               doesn’t live with his mom’s family
               it’ll stop working or something.  Care
               for some skittles?

                            ROBBIE COLTRANE
               Er, I don’ mean to be rude...  but how
               the ruddy hell do yeh know tha’?

                              MAGGIE SMITH
               Yeah, if no one saw exactly how Mrs.
               Potter died, how do you know this
               never-before-seen phenomenon will keep
               Harry safe?

                            ROBBIE COLTRANE
               And does tha' protection apply to
               Voldemort’s henchmen, also?  Is this
               protection motive-based?  And will tha’
               keep working after Voldemort gets some of
               Harry's blood and thus removes the—

                             RICHARD HARRIS
                 (spitting out chocolate)
               OH MY GODRIC, you guys.  This is a Chris
               Columbus movie with Chris Columbus pacing,
               if you keep delaying things I’ll be
               Michael Gambon by winter.  Move along!

INT.  SUBURBAN HOUSE OF BULLYING AND ABUSE, ALSO IT’S TOTALLY LAAAAAME

DANIEL RADCLIFFE spends ten years trying to not to get punched in the
head or locked in a cupboard to starve, both of which he fails at
INSTANTLY.

                            AUNT FIONA SHAW
               DANIEL GET’CHYER ELBOWS IN THE FRYING
               PAN ‘FORE I SHOVE HOT GREASE ALL OVER
               YOU

                             UNCLE RICHARD
                               GRIFFITHS
               WE DON’T LOVE YOU DANIEL, FRANKLY WE
               CAN’T STAND LOOKING AT YOUR STUPID DAMN
               GLASSES, GET BACK T'YER PRAYER CLOSET SO
               WE CAN LOVE OUR PORTLY SON MORE

                             HARRY MELLING
               muhbuhbwahbuhbwabuh

                            DANIEL RADCLIFFE
               I’m so dreadfully sorry, Aunt Fiona. 
               Here’s your obviously raw bacon for the
               Pigboy.  Remember kids, even when bullies
               pick on you for being a nerd and reading
               Harry Potter, there are always fat kids to
               pick on.

Suddenly SATAN’S EVIL OWLS attack the FOSTER PARENTS and PIGBOY until
they beg for mercy.